There are so many things on my mind about this journey so far. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. It has been the most fulfilling yet the most challenging project I’ve done in my life for so many reasons. Every single day I experience joy, pride and confidence along with doubt, depression and negative spirals in my mind. I’ve experienced what some call writers block that lasted two weeks but I think this was some type of mild depression state when doubt crept in; I’ve also celebrated my accomplishments and felt good about what I’m doing; But most of all I have grown spiritually, mentally and my awareness about myself is much higher now. Having to communicate to you has been the driver to figure out what’s going on in my mind because I know I have to explain myself at some point. I want to thank you again for being a part of this journey because if it wasn’t for you I would’ve given up a long time ago.
The main reason I haven’t sent emails for almost a month is because I was trying to figure out how to navigate my thoughts and figure myself out. I can’t say I’ve done that quite yet, but I’m beginning to digest my thoughts a little better. One major “failure” I had to accept was that I will not write 30 songs in 60 days ☹️. Now I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but having completed 9 songs so far and having 20 days left in November, one can assume that based on time it took to write and record 9 songs, there’s no way that I can write 21 songs in 20 days. I had to face this mid last month and it’s taken me weeks to accept and move past it and continue writing.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this and embracing the fact of not achieving the goal I set out to do. Those that know me, also know that once I set my mind to something I move mountains to get to that goal, but this is a lofty goal even for experienced songwriters and I’m just one person trying to do everything from beginning to end. Currently, even though I wish I would’ve achieved the goal I set out to do, this project has been nothing but successful because I’ve written 9 great songs that I will base my album on. There is no lose scenario here, because I believe that you just have to keep writing songs and at some point you’ll run into something that works and appeals to a wide audience. Writing 30 songs will take longer but I am committed more than ever and doubling down on that 😊
Here are all the songs I’ve written so far: Stranger, Every Morning, Leave, Child of War, Blind Love, We Gotta Crawl to Fly, I am a Dreamer, Soar and Breakthrough. Something a lot of musicians will say is that they hate listening to their songs after they’re done and I’m definitely in that camp. During writing and production you have to listen to the songs thousands of times and once you’re done, you’re kind of over it. But I have indulged a couple of times and listened to them all at once and I’m surprised every time because I actually wrote, engineered and produced these songs myself. My degree in IT has come in handy during this process 😜. Of course there are things I want to change but that will come in the next stage when I pick the songs to include on my album and re-record what I don’t like and build on the songs more.
Now this is the part that makes me really emotional. Since I began this project, I’ve had to talk myself into looking deep within my mind and soul and writing down that stream of consciousness. Some of it was conscious and other times it was my subconsciousness writing things that I didn’t even think I had within me. Coming to grips about what I’ve written has been so emotionally charged that I’ve cried almost every day. For most of the topics that have come up in my writing I had to meditate my way through them and look within myself for answers. I’ve looked at some of my relationships with those dearest to me like my mom and how me moving to the US at the age of 16 definitely left its mark, or a family member who decided to give me a black eye and how I ended up on my own at 21 finding my way through life. Every single thing in my life has shaped who I am today and even thought I love myself today a lot more than I used to, there are things I still have to work on. I’ve realized that instead of looking outward at other people and circumstances that it was better to build my roots deep and figure out who I was and find comfort in that knowing. This has been the biggest lesson so far; finding the roots that resonate with my soul and go deeper with those root branches and make them stronger. The other side of this realization is that the way through many storms is not to avoid them or hide from them, but to find a way through them. Trees lose their leaves when we have more storms during winter which allows more wind to come through its branches while its roots keep it secured. This has been the visualization in my mind as I’ve worked through some of my spiraling behaviors. For example, while 99% of the feedback to my project and songs has been positive there were a couple of comments that haunted me for days, resulting in the previously mentioned writers block (or mild depression state.) Instead of growing thicker skin which is what came to my mind first, I decided to find and build my rooting system. Growing thicker skin has definitely been a strategy of mine in the past, but at this point in my journey, I think of it as an inferior way to deal with negativity that will inevitably come throughout my journey. For me, thicker skin represents deflecting and avoiding negativity by not allowing people to come into my presence and I want to remain open to all people even the negative ones because it’s the negative experiences that show us how to grow. Every negative experience is an opportunity for me and for the other person to grow. The difference in my behavior will be that I will look at the negativity and simply leave it where it is, instead of carrying it with me. Learning to do this is where I still need to grow, so I hope to embrace everything that comes along with this journey.
Peace and love,
Fatima
